All women have these…..some more, some less…

Today is fat-day and I am glad it is almost over!  Every woman has a fat-day, even if they are six feet tall, and weigh one hundred pounds!  Fat-day is a god-given right day for women to complain.  This is a guilt-free day, when we can eat candy bars, while gulping down a double-chocolate mocha latte.  We’re fat anyway, so what the hell! But, our lovers better tell us how thin we are, that is, if they want to survive fat-day.

Who cares what we eat, because we can put on our fat-pants, the stretched-out jeans we save in the bottom draw, prepared for this special day.  Underneath our fat-pants,  are our skinny pants; the ones we wore in tenth grade.  They take the fun out of fat-day.  That’s why we hide them.

To continue the fat-day celebration, a half-gallon of ice cream, any flavor will hit the spot, and then top the holiday off with a large pizza with at least three toppings.  Did I forget the Big Mac with fries we ate for lunch?

There are some drawbacks for fat-day.  Fat-day is not a good shopping day, because everything will end up in the shopping cart, mingled with the Oreo’s and Little Debbies.   If our partner wants sex, fat-day is a sex-exempt day.  We’re fat, and no hanky-panky from this tanky. 

 As a woman, we also have the right to have bad-hair day.  If one hair is out of place, we are pulling out the barrettes, assorted clips and/or scrunchies to make the hairdo look better.  If all else fails, we either put it in a ponytail, hide it under a hat or tell everyone how the hairdresser screwed up.  Some take out their scissors, and  have at it, making it the worst, bad-hair day.  Hence, blaming the hairdresser, also.

And then there is PMS day…get out of my way, because I will run you right over!  Now, when PMS day is coupled with fat-day and bad-hair day – wow, were a man’s worst nightmare.  You better know the signs, or we will cut off your gentials. 

If the military could bottle up fat-day, bad-hair day and PMS day, Iraq would no longer be on the map.  If we were President, we would be crying while pushing the button, licking a vanilla custard ice cream cone, surfing the sad movies on TV.  I am a Democrat (nah, a big fat lie) and Hillary is exempt from all these “bad” days.

Since I discussed the topic of fat-day…what’s up with dieting?  There are so many diets, yet we get fatter and fatter.  I am not the thin-est person in the world, but I can not tell you how many times a three-hundred pound woman will tell me how to diet.  Okay, you know so much about diets, why are you still ….. hmm – fat?  Sorry ladies, you go into extreme detail, and all I can do is wonder why it hasn’t worked for you, considering you’re the expert.  We all need my friend’s husband.  He helps her and his name is Will Power. Her name is Noel Power.  Get it…No will power.  Say no will- fast, with a Southern accent, and it’s funny.

And, have you ever noticed in a fat persons refrigerator, politically correct word, weight-challenged individual’s refrigerator, is all fat-free and low calorie food?  What would they look like if they ate regular food?  Would they be fatter?

Here’s some more food for thought…where does all the weight go, when we lose it?  Down the septic tank?  Evaporate into thin air? Does that mean the earth found it?  And, how much can the earth take, from all the weight we lose?  Will the earth, collapse under the pressure? Really, is there a fat surface on the earth?  I have  heard about the ozone.  Is there the fatzone? Does the EPA know about that?

Wrapping up…in a blanket by the fireplace, with an empty bowl of popcorn, I shall put my pen down, and pick up the trash around my chair.  With a sigh, I made it, but please, let it not be bad-hair day or the dreaded PMS…tomorrow! I have a job interview, with a man…